Life: coming to a warm little pond near you

by Patrick Mayne / illustration by Stephanie Van Adelsberg

When it comes to life on earth, there can be no doubt: it exists. Everything within your experience, from the people you pass between anthropology and Spanish to the air you breathe to the leaves crunching underfoot to the mere fact that you can pass people, breathe air and crunch leaves, has been profoundly affected by the life that has existed on this planet for billions of years. To imagine that once the rocks and oceans were sterile, completely devoid of life, seems to go against everything we have learned since our mothers taught us not to eat mud and, of course, “Take that out of your mouth. You don’t know where that’s been.”

And that last part is the truest thing ever to learn. Because when it comes to life, we really don’t know where it’s been. The mere discussion of a contrary idea regarding where we came from has prompted lawsuits, arrests, wars and disclaimer stickers in high school biology textbooks. In this area, one always hears of Darwin, the Galapagos Islands, and the Origin of Species. We’re taught that life was at point A and got to point B by way of points C, G, K, W, L and D: that humans descended from primates, spread out of Africa like ringworm on a wrestling team, and eventually got smart and came up with all sorts of modern conveniences and inconviences like cars, garbage disposals, paper deadlines and the Cobb County Board of Education.

What we are not indoctrinated with, however, is where all this came from. Science classes generally begin with the Big Bang, fly through the formation of the stars and planets, mention the creation of the Earth, fly over the beginning of life like a traffic helicopter on its way to a car fire, and make more time for our final destination--Charles Darwin, evolution, photosynthesis, and the wonderful diversity that is the Kingdom Protista. So why don’t we learn what happened in between the formation of the Sun and the Beagle? It could be that we just don’t know much more than what could have happened. What do we know? Here’s what I’ve been able to find, in short, easily digestible words crafted by and for a short attention span.

In the beginning there was the word, and the word was creationism. This belief has taken many different forms, the most closely associated with creationism today being the Genesis described in Judeo-Christian theology. This belief can range from the strictest interpretation, complete with seven 24-hour periods of separate creation and Adam and Eve (Fun questions to ponder when you’re bored: Would they have belly buttons? Why or why not?), Original Sin, the great flood, and every single last one of the begats. This belief has, in recent years, been tempered through compromises between creationism and evolutionary theory, such as the proposal that a day to a supreme deity might seem slightly longer to those less supreme beings known as scientists.

And then from the fallen angels of science, from the Renaissance to the present day, was begotten a new tree of knowledge, on which grew many forbidden fruits. These fruits, though quite varied, can usually be grouped together under the heading of materialism. Basically that means that the origin of life was not something brought about by any type of theological power, but rather by the interaction of materials that can be found in the universe as we can see and touch and smell. The most generally accepted evidence for this theory came from an experiment done by Stanley Miller in 1954, in which gases and liquids that were thought to be present in adolescent Earth (as hypothesized by Harold Urey) were kept in a closed system heated to simulate geothermal activity and sparked to simulate lightning. After a few days, these liquids rendered: Instant Ramen. After a few more experiments the process was whittled down to mere minutes, hence the food-type product that we all have come to know and love. In a similar experiment performed at roughly the same time, the result was many organic compounds, most notably several amino acids, which every good bio major knows are essential for life as we know it (exception: certain female humans, who require only lettuce and caffeine in the form of Diet Coke).

This wasn’t the end of the matter either. Many people disputed the findings and their extrapolation to include a hypothetical process for the beginnings of life, most colorfully under the flag of “panspermia.” Insert humorous definition here. This theory stated that it was too chance a happening for life to evolve from the random conglomeration of atoms, and that simple life, or at least its most basic building blocks, must have then come from somewhere else, most likely from the dust trails of comets as they passed the Earth. The lesson here is that no matter how stellar you are, no matter how quickly you fly by, if you leave anything behind there is the potential to create life. Condoms, people! Even beyond panspermia is “directed panspermia,” the idea that the microbes that were the basis of life on Earth came as hitchhikers on or were brought intentionally by extraterrestrials (ET brought bacteria--stay with me here people). Scientists both in favor of and against creationism have also disputed the Miller-Urey findings. Problems in their experiments include the composition of the gases and the failure to include molecules essential to the creation of membranes, which prevent the guts of cells from spilling out and creating a huge mess for everyone.

Eventually the amino acids figured out how to hook up (it took amino acids millions of years, and yet takes the average college student a mere day--this is definitely a case in which neurons are an advantage) and formed big chains called proteins. Some of these chains were more stable than others, and the stabler ones could make new chains: reproduction was born. Eventually, these proteins worked it out so that if they joined with other proteins they'd be able to reproduce more frequently and efficiently (like fraternities, but more sober). Hence, the first cells. Teaming up was such a good idea that cells joined other cells to form small organisms, and eventually these organisms got large enough that they needed communication between their various ends. Enter neurotransmitters, later nerves and brains, and you have the power for for all sorts of revolutionary ideas, like bikini waxing.

So there you have it: a quick, completely unofficial overview of the beginnings of life. World is nothin’, then there’s some hot chemical lovin’, then BAM! you’ve got popcorn and Snack Packs. You may now return your seatbacks and tray-tables to their upright and locked position, and please, be kind to your amino acids. They’ve been through a lot, you know.